The world through the eyes of a critic

Poetic humour outsourced

2007-10-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

Something I came across in a blog published by a musician who's quickly rising to the top of my favourites list - John Mayer. Lovingly dedicated to those of you out there with hopelessly corrupted minds.

Happy Birthday, Chad.
You are my sound engineer
and together we share a house.
You keep me warm on those cold nights
by making sure the thermostat is functioning properly.
And if it's not, then we lovingly embrace
the fact that it will be cold
and pile on extra blankets
in our respective beds
that are located next to one another
at our local Serta mattress dealer.

I long to feel your caring touch
on the production of the next CD
And look forward to showering again with you soon.
Your sister looks lovely with that pregnant glow, and I hope the gift will go to good use.

A moment of solemness - A bomb in Maldives?

2007-09-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

Yes. It is a word. Solemness. However odd it looks (it certainly strikes me as odd for some reason). Anyway, the point being - There's trouble brewing in paradise (how the heck do u brew trouble anyway?).

Errr yes... back to the point again. Paradise referring to the Maldives, there was a bomb blast in Maldives less than 24 hours ago in a serene park named the Sultan's Park, so named because (surprise!) it previously used to be part of the Sultan's Palace.

This post is dedicated to the 12 tourists who were injured in the blast. I wish them well on their road to recovery on behalf of the Maldivian population (who have already condemned the blast uproariously).

My own opinion on this whole thing? The utter STUPIDITY of this act almost eclipses the gravity of the situation. If there were any Maldivians involved in this whole tumultuous episode, they certainly displayed unprecedented insanity, living in a country that almost SOLELY relies on tourists as a source of income. Targeting a tourist spot? A stroke of genius I say. (Just this once I feel that an emoticon with rolling eyes would come in handy...)

Enough said. Over and out.

The relationship between the Chinese and the earth's axis

2006-11-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

It's a well known fact that there are a lot of Chinese in the world. There are a LOT of Chinese. 1.3 billion in fact. Yessirree. And that's only in China. There are a lot of Chinese in other countries as well. You haven't met a Chinese guy? Where are you from? Mars? Ah, forget it.

Well anyway, it's a lesser known fact that the U.S has never really been involved in a major dispute with China. Let's face it. The U.S is a global bully. Picks on a lot of countries. But it hasn't really picked on the Chinese. Hmmm?

The connection...

If every single Chinese guy in China jumped at the same time, it would rock the earth off it's axis. Pretty unnerving eh?

"Ni hao. President Bush? Listen carefully. We have a list of demands, and if they're not met within twenty four hours, WE'LL JUMP!."

Headbutt - The Ultimate Oxymoron

2006-11-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

The study of oxymorons has long been pondered on and discussed by the greek. (They used to think a lot). For the newbie, an oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two or more contradicting terms. For those who don't know what contradicting is, please refer to a dictionary. Spare me. Please.

A pretty ugly example of an oxymoron could be uh... "pretty ugly"? (That got to you didn't it?).

But actually, the point of this whole thing is an oxymoron that's been around for ages. It is so subtle that the very fact that it is an oxymoron has been lost in the sands of time. On the other hand, it has recently been made famous by Zinedine Zidane the football player. Time to kill the suspense.

Headbutt!!!

Beautiful ain't it? An oxymoron if I ever saw one myself. Just look at it! Two contradictory words just sitting there, joined at the hip, looking at you innocently, don't you think? The ultimate oxymoron, in my opinion. Just imagine, two opposite ends of universally EVERYTHING would be considered heads and butts. So it would only suffice that something so unique be given the title of the ultimate oxymoron.

What say ye?

Evolution of the Booby Trap

2006-10-30T15:06:00.000-08:00

Internet Archaeology - Plausible?

2006-10-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

(Two people are sifting through huge chunks of code at computers.)

Marcus : Ahoi there Charles! I think we got something here!. Hold it, I'll just clear away the code a little bit. Ah, what have we here? Hmmm... it looks to me like it's some sort of watchamacallit where primitive people used to express their thoughts. Says here that it's called a personal umm... Blog?

Charles: Brilliant Marcus ol' chap! This is the find of a lifetime! I've always wondered what people used to record their views on things. I can't for the life of me think of going anywhere without my (insert name of ultra-hi-tech-journal-thingy)! These people truly were ingenious eh?

Marcus: Bah! "Blog!". Primitive name if I may say so. Oh well, can't expect primitive blokes to be as forward thinking as us eh? Let's inform the media and get this over with shall we?

Charles: Alright old chap! Let's move on I say. Chop-chop!

"Beware of con men. This house is not for sale."

2006-10-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

Interesting title eh? Well darn it, it's TRUE! People actually put up signs saying exactly that in Congo (yea there's a country called that). It's probably the only place in the world where you get to sell your house to someone without even knowing about it.

And you know the beautiful part about it? It'll take you a looot of money to get your house back once it's sold. This is probably how it goes.

1. Con men get a LOT of money from the sale of your house
2. You realize that your suddenly a visitor in your own home
3. You go to court. You either:
a. Pay a LOT of money to the con men to get it back
b. Pay a LOT of money to the judge to get it back
c. Pay a LOT of money to a lawyer to convince the judge
d. All of the above

Well anyway, you know what they say about one good (ahem) deed everyday...

The Million Dollar Widget Deal

2006-10-09T15:04:00.001-07:00

Almost every businessman starts off with the misguided perception that there is a pot of gold at the end of every commercial rainbow.

They start off thinking that selling a widget which they don't have, (which conveniently has a price tag of a couple of million dollars), to unsuspecting rich folk who just sit on their pile of money drinking their umpteenth century wine, would get them up in life.

Note: This of course assumes that their is an ACTUAL widget for sale by another party to the businessman.

And then... Bang!!

Pop goes their million dollar widget deal! The buyer's chickening out, or the seller's not interested anymore. No wait! The buyer never even HAD a million dollars to buy the non-existent widget with. Nothing more to sell of which they didn't have. Finito.

Then...

The despondent businessman picks of the pieces of his (non-existent) widget deal, which is of course, nothing, and heads off home. Back to the drawing board. Assumes it's a problem with the widget and begins the process with a new widget.

Repeat umpteen times. Fails umpteen times.

The businessman gets it. He starts small, selling cheaper widgets. Gets more clients. Makes a million dollars. Retires.

Moral: Widgets make more money when you don't expect them to.

The world sits on its collective bum

2006-10-07T15:57:00.003-07:00

First I'd like to extend my sincerest apologies for not keeping this thing up-to-date. Je suis de soleh, pardon, maaf karo... Soweee!

Well that said, in numerous languages, I'd like to comment on one of the more important issues the world is facing today.

My dear friends, I take it upon me as a responsibility to the eternal continuance of the earth to say that the world is becoming lazier. You know this when a guy wants to buy a movie on a DVD instead of a VCD just because he has to get up to change the discs. Sad... although of course as expected, they already have gear for those kinda folks - the multi-disc changer. woohoo! Now we just have to wait for them to invent a technology to change channels with your brain eh?

Why limit it to just the entertainment arena? Now we have:

Self-cleaning toilets (not just the toilet, your ahem... behind too!)
Self-playing pianos
Fuzzy logic washing machines (fuzzy=blurry?)
Self-cooking food
Answering machines

Although would it be uber-cool if we had:

Self-changing light bulbs (interchangable with babies' diapers)
Self-wiping toilet paper
Automatic back-scratchers
Self-reading books (not to be confused with screen/page readers for the disabled. There should be something for total lazy bums)
Intuitive pens which write down your every thought

Just musing...

Humans VS Dinosaurs: Imagination working overtime

2006-05-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

I was recently talking to a friend over a cup of coffee about the environment. Yeah you heard me... The environment. Does talking about the environment make me a wannabe saviour of the world? Oh come on... Get a life.

Well anyway, it kind of got me thinking about the matrix. Yes, the movie, and yes, I do have an active imagination. For those of you who've never watched the matrix, well it's a movie about saving the environment. Hear me out will ya?

Something the bad guy says to the hero struck me as absolutely true. "You humans are like parasites. You consume all the available resources in one place and move on to the other." Or something to that effect.

Isn't it true? Gas prices have never been so high, the sea level's rising and by the time our great grandchildren are here, half the world will be underwater. Well at least half the Maldives will be gone anyway. We're kinda 2 meters above sea level. With the sea level rising at 1cm a year, well, you do the math.

Well it got me to wondering, like I always do. The dinosaurs had an excuse. They were killed by a meteor. After we humans become extinct someday, like we're already headed for, what excuse do we have? If the next race that occupies the earth look into their history books, they'll see something like this:

Homo Sapiens Sapiens - The last race that occupied earth. Became extinct a looooooong time ago. Killed themselves slowly for no apparent reason.
Dinosaurs - Occupied earth before humans. Became extinct waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before humans arrived. Were killed by a giant meteor. Apparently the more intelligent of the two species.

Go figure...

Doth My Eyes Deceive Me?

2006-05-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

Was just going through this blog about optical illusions. Wow. The artistic talent of the people of the world. Was just musing over the how something as large as a 40ft sidewalk painting might look as if it was the size of a basketball... Interesting...

I believe that art isn't all about paint and colours and stuff. Sure... That's one as well. But how about music and drama? I don't know but maybe these fields have been undermined by the inspiration that some people get from certain exotic substances. Oh well, to each their own.

Wake up and SNIFF!

2006-05-10T03:58:00.000-07:00

Beautiful day today! Birds are chirping, the sky's blue... And I can actually hear the sound of the waves on the beach. Blissful. For those of you who might be wondering... Yea I live on an island. In and island nation.

The Maldives. (sigh)

Been a while since I was back here. Though there's trouble brewing in paradise. Sounds of thunder in the distance. Ok I'll stop with the poetic crap. Lot's of political stuff going on.

But you know... I actually find it amusing. Here we are, a nation with little under 300,000 people, and there are actually people fighting about who's gonna rule the tiny place. Come on get a life... Please.

Annnnnyway enough about the bad side of my country. Like I always say, balance is the key to life. Hey people, wake up and smell the coffee or the almonds or whatever you like to sniff (no harm intended).

This is a country of over a 1000 beautiful islands with white sandy beaches and all that you've every dreamt of. You'd think the guys would actually appreciate it without fighting over it. Sometimes I just wonder what the heck is wrong with the world.

Yea and one more thing... They found one and a half tonnes of cannabis or some such the other day burried underwater in a crystal clear, heavenly lagoon. Talk about balance. Go figure

My first post

2006-05-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm the kind of guy who says the glass is half empty...

but...

There's obviously the scenario that the glass could be half full as well ain't it?

I'm not going to reveal my name for obvious reasons... (read the title), but I'm posting on this blog in the hope that the world might see through my eyes and see that everything in fact DOES have two sides... the up side, and the down side. And I'm the kind of guy who believes that the almighty scales of life tilt ever so slightly toward the UP side...

Whassat? I'm contradicting myself? Yea life itself is a contradiction. Didn't you ever see it that way? I'll give you an example in my next post... Ciao for now n keep readin!